With age comes….

Hello beautiful people,

I want to share something with you that I have recently learnt. It is that for me I have only recently seen how different I am from people who are younger than me. Now I know that this is not something that is particularly unique to me but it has really been put into perspective for me these past couple of weeks.

I know that for me with age has come an inability to understand why anyone would want to make drama. I mean whats the point? I really do not have the energy or time to commit to maintaining such things. And honestly what does it achieve? Has anyone actually benefited in anyway from totally unnecessary drama. You know what instead of making drama how about we just tell people how we feel and leave it at that. And ultimately just get over it, all anyone wants is to be liked and loved so why not put your energy into that.

Also there is this expectation that I should just know about your business when you yourself have made no effort to inform me on such matters. Now I am aware that we live in a very connected society but if you think that I know whats going on with everyone every second of every day then you are sadly mistaken. I don’t think it helps that I am a very low key kind of friend, I prefer the hands off approach. I have done needy and its not a good look on me. This does not mean that if you come up to me and ask for my help or confide in me that I will not be there for you. I do really care about my friends but have found its better for everyone if you are not always up in people business. At the end of the day your private life is private for a reason and it is for you to share with who you see fit.

You also become aware of who is good for you and who is not. Some people are like paintings pretty to look at but they are just superficial. Then there are people who might look like a flower on the outside but then you realise its a snake. Now I have been guilty of being the later of these things and I try very hard not to be that person and if asked I will tell people to their face that I have probably spoken about them when they are not around but then name one person who hasn’t spoken about some one behind their back. I think with age comes the ability to compartmentalise the way that you feel about someone. It is possible in my opinion to both find someone annoying in one scenario and a complete joy to be around in another situation. Does this mean that I don’t like them? Absolutely not.

I also think that with age comes the ability to see that there are normally 2 sides to every story even if the second side backs up the first. I think we all live in a society that is very quick to judge and also very quick to dismiss people who we do not perceive as being there for us when we want them. Sometimes there are just people who are bad and lazy and we should acknowledge that these people are probably not the best for our health. However there are times when people may have been through something in their past and they made a promise to themselves that they would try to be free of that in later life. I find that if someone doesn’t react the way that you want its normally either because they are naive, ignorant or sometimes the just don’t care. But as humans we are all guilty of only seeing what it is that we want to see and never asking why?

There is this misconception that with age comes maturity and I can tell you that this is not always the case. But with age certainly comes an adjusted sense of what it is that you want and what it is that you are willing to put up with.

Dear everyone who has ever been hurt

Hello beautiful people who read my blog,

I have just given a totally unprepared speech in front of a room full of people and do you want to know what I thought right after, wow you have come such a long way!

So I want to say to all of you, it does get better. Whatever you are going through right now it will end and then you will come into a better place where you have the space to be you. I was you once and in some ways I still am but I think it is important to be open to it.

I also want you to know that it doesn’t matter what has happened to you in the past as long as you make the best of the present. Everyone is allowed to reach their goals but that doesn’t mean it will be easy but you will get there I promise.

You also have the right to be happy, angry, sad, fearful etc.. You can have all of theses emotions it is not a crime and no one is going to think any less of you. You don’t always have to be strong and putting on a front. This is something that I have forgotten over the years, I am not there to be other peoples emotional sponge, I am there to be their rock.

You are your own person and don’t ever let anyone tell you any different. If you want to wear that dress then dam you where that dress. Anyone who ever judges you that’s their problem to solve not yours. Don’t compromise you, be confident in who you are.

It has taken me a long time to realise this and honestly the journey is not over yet. I can’t you how long it will before I experience another set back, but I wanted to post this so that I can look back on it when I am not in this place an remind myself it will end.

Remember your all beautiful!!!

I’m Scared….

Dear beautiful people of the internet,

 I have a confession to make, I’m really scared.

I am scared that this is it for me, that I am destined to live this very vanilla life. To do as I am told and to simply just go through the motions of everything. I have always done the things that I am supposed to. I mean I can’t complain because without it I would not be where I am today, but the main question is am I satisfied.

I am scared that I will always be alone. That I am simply one of those people who just wont find love. Honestly, it’s terrifying to think that this could be me. I would like to have experienced mutual love at least once before it disregards me completely.

I am scared that I am the reason I am alone and I don’t know how to change this. I don’t know what to do to change this and I don’t know who can really help me to make a change.

I am scared that I don’t know what I want. I know what I want for my career but I am not really sure about everything else. I suppose I have spent such a long time focusing on my goals that I have lost all the other stuff that you are supposed to want along with it.

I am scared of letting go. I don’t know who to be without the weight of my past weighing me down. I don’t know how to finally say goodbye to it and I am scared of what will happen when I do. Who will I become, will people like the person that I am and how do I actually go about getting rid of it.

I’m scared that some people are fake. I know that some people are real but then sometimes I wonder are there some people in my life who just smile and wave rather than really know me. There are only a few people who can simply look at me and know that I am not okay. I am missing these people a lot recently.

I am scared of whats in the future. I mean I know it sounds silly and I’m not talking about way into the future but I don’t even know whats happening next year and that is really scary.

I am also scared of not being in control. I am scared that I might have to simply let go and see how things pan out and this is really scary. Will things go the way they should or will they simply fall apart.

 

Women of the world listen up!

So women of the world I hope that your listening because I have something to say. Some of you might not agree, some of you might think I’m lying and some of you might just find it interesting, I’m not really bothered what people think 🙂

I want to talk about this ridiculous thing that seems to get all women saying compliments to each other, that are sometimes so over the top it boarders on ridiculous.

I want to talk about “loving yourself”.

Now here is the main problem that I have with this concept, it excludes all other forms of love and makes some women obsess over finding it. I have been told so may times that someone will not love you till you learn to love yourself, well that’s a load of rubbish if you ask me. Lots of people love lots of people who really don’t love themselves. I wake up everyday and there is something I don’t like about myself, it’s part of being a human I’m afraid.

I don’t think that if one day I wake up suddenly loving myself that will instantly make me more attractive and therefore more worthy of someones love. Sadly it is the things that we don’t like about ourselves that some people will love about us, or at least not find as bothersome as we do.

I also think that this eternal quest for self love has to stop here. It is ruining relationships and standing in the way of ultimately finding happiness (which is more important than waking up everyday and loving your wonky big toe). People are pushing good, honest people away in the pursuit of self love. The crazy things people will do to find this self love is somewhat laughable. I have known people change the way they look, who they hang out with, hobbies the lot. Is there nothing we will not do to make ourselves love ourselves.

I think better than self love is acceptance. I accept that there will always be things that I don’t like about me, some of them I can change some of them I can’t but it is okay. It is okay not to like yourself sometimes. But what is not okay is to feel so down about it and alone that you think no one could help you. This I will not accept.

I want to let everyone know who struggles with self love and even self acceptance that we all do. We are all human and more importantly we can all communicate. This is something we should do more of. We need to let people know that we are there for them whatever happens and no matter what mood they are in. It is my personal mission this year to be there for people more (sometimes whether they like it or not). I know personally the power of support and I really think that is way more important than “self love”. Simply letting someone know that you know how it feels and even if you don’t know that you are sympathetic and willing to listen.

Society tries so hard to make us conform to a certain mould and way of conducting ourselves that I think we have lost exactly that. Self. We need to own ourselves and make more time for both us and others. Making more time to focus on the things we enjoy with the people who enjoy them also is what really matters in life.

It is time to stop judging people (although this will still happen, jealously is green eyed for a reason) and start being there for them when they need us.

I know that this has probably not gone the way that you thought it would but I just cant stand “self love” any more. It doesn’t work and to many good people have been ruined in the pursuit of it.

Bullying

This is a shout out to everyone who has bullied/ said or done something mean to me in my life. How are you? I hope that you are living your life as you should. But I wonder do you ever think about me?

It may not surprise you to know that I very rarely think of you either but I do think about the things that you did to me and how they make me feel a lot. I hope that you are happy that you ruined my life and completely ruined my chances of having any self confidence.

I hope that was the reason that you did it. Why did you do it? Was it because you didn’t like the way I looked/ spoke or even walked, was it because you where somehow jealous of me, was it because I was weak and could not fight back, were you being bullied or were you insecure or did you simply do it because everyone else was and it was easier to be in the group than out of it. Well I have news for you, because of what you did to me I am no longer able to feel that I am part of anything, does that make you happy?

I bet you never imagined that I would become a bully to others either. Surprising that isn’t it, who would have thought that it would be hard for me to trust people and form friendships when you clearly had no regard for how you made me feel.

Do you know that I find it hard to speak to people my own age now, especially men. I have never felt so belittled by people as I was by you. Did you think that making sexual comments and noises around me would not have any effect on the way I felt about myself and how I see others. I bet you never imagined that I would not be able to look people in the eye let alone hold a conversation with them without thinking that they where going to say something about me or that they found me boring/ annoying or just generally don’t like me. Do you know that I can’t approach groups of men and even men on their own scare me, I have this deep rooted fear that they will have something to say about me.

Do you know that everyday I look in the mirror and wish there was a way to remove my face so that I no longer have this one and I could actually be what people consider to be pretty. Do you know that I think I am fat and that I am not worthy of someones attention unless I look “perfect”.

Okay I’m a bit weird and I do sometimes try too hard, but so do you. This is me and you clearly didn’t like it but that is no reason to do the things that you did to me. The saying sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me is a lie. Do you want to know what hurts more, its words they stay with you, they cant be erased.

I have to live every day with the things that you have done to me and the way they have shaped me as a person and you have never apologised for what you did. But that’s okay because I forgive you, did you hear that I can do the thing you where never able to do. I have to accept that it is a part of me and you don’t. I hope that you are happy and I hope that if we meet in the future I can tell everyone the real reason that you can’t look me in the eye.

Online Dating

Wow, it has been a long time since I have written on here. I am really sorry 🙂

So I want to talk about my little toe dip into online dating. Now I am not going to lie to you it lasted all of 24 hours but still.

So my friends set it up for me and if I am honest when your with them and your answering the messages its actually not that bad, even somewhat enjoyable. Buy then I got home and realised that I would have to keep this up and that there was a commitment to be made to someone who I don’t even know. Now I am aware that this is part of dating and meeting people but for me it was really strange because I had never even met these people in person.

However something that was somewhat satisfying for probably all the wrong reasons, was being able to do to people what others have done to me my whole life and reject them without even speaking to them. I know this is wrong but for 24 hours I had my revenge and I am over it now.

I am sure that for some people online dating is perfect for them and honestly I wish them every happiness and hope that they find the person of their dreams. But for me it highlighted one thing I am super uncomfortable talking to people online that I have never met face to face and don’t really feel like I have a connection with. Added to this I had an overwhelming fear that I might just randomly bump into someone in the street and they would recognise me and that would be way to weird for me to handle. Plus I don’t have enough time to reply to messages from my own family let alone try to keep up a stimulating conversation with someone that I am trying to build a connection with.

I therefore conclude that although dating offline as it were has been so far unsuccessful, online dating is not for me. But I wish all of those who do use it the best of luck, go get them!!

P.s if you are reading this Hi, and I would really appreciate your comments about this sort of thing good and bad 🙂

Things I hate about you!

  1. That I can’t seem to hate you. I have tried to be angry, mad even at things that you have done but I still can’t convince myself to hate you.
  2. That you make me desperate and clingy. It’s not a good look.
  3. That you take AGES to reply to my messages.
  4. That When you don’t reply I get so worried that I think you hate me, it is driving me insane.
  5. That you forget things about me, but I never seem to forget anything about you.
  6. That you are so nice to me, when you really don’t have to be.
  7. That we don’t talk about enough stuff.
  8. That I love you but I know you don’t feel the same way about me.

 

Hate

It is a strong word and I don’t use it lightly. Right now I hate myself and it doesn’t feel great I’m not gonna lie. It’s not all tears and crying while someone tells you how beautiful you are. It’s ugly and staring at you in the mirror, there is no escape.

There are a variety of reasons that I hate myself right now. I hate that I haven’t exercised for ages and I hate that I have put weight back on and I hate that I can’t seem to stay away from the stuff I know I shouldn’t eat. I hate that society makes me feel like I am not good enough to be pretty but in the same breath is saying that everyone is pretty no matter what they look like. Sadly this is not true, I am yet to see any changes in the way people feel about me or how I feel about myself. Everyday people say “But you just have to love yourself” and do you want to know who says that conventionally pretty people. But when, when can I start loving myself WHEN. Now I know that not everyone is the same and that this is not the way that everyone acts but some people do act this way and frankly that’s one person to many. You know what needs to happen these conventionally pretty people who spout shit about how we all need to love ourselves and how its all about acceptance need to meet someone who isn’t conventionally pretty and instead of patronizing them they need to actually bother to acknowledge their existence and talk to them. And we need more people in all forms of the media who are examples of all people no matter what they look like, how they talk or how they dress. Quite frankly I am tired of the pretty girl who thought she was ugly getting the guy, I want normal spotty chubby girls to get the super hot jock and I want people to be okay with that. I want to see real women of all sizes, colours and nationalities modeling clothes not just in catalogs but on runways. I want people wearing lingerie that I want to buy that don’t make me feel like I need to skip a weeks worth of meals to wear it. I want people to stand together against bullying for everyone. I want people to acknowledge that men have issues with body dysmorphia and that men need support within the media as well.

I am sick of the sexes coming to blows about what they should or should not being doing. I want people to stop saying what an achievement it is when someone lets their child play with a barbie instead of an action man, its not an achievement its just common sense. I don’t care whether you like men, women or no one express it however you like. There are so many people who are just jumping on band wagons and putting in their five pence worth. Surely if we want to get things done in this society we need to stop victimizing people and saying nasty things to each other and actually band together and get shit done. I am tired of everyone skirting around things and never saying what they feel. If you don’t like the same things I do that’s cool, we are not carbon copies of one another. We need to do more accepting and a little less judging. (However this does not mean that I think that if someone is doing something that is either morally or ethically wrong that they should be excepted with open arms into the community). I do think though that if we don’t change the way we are dealing with certain things then our children are going to be seriously messed up.

I hate that I am hung up on a guy and it’s making me unable to do anything with anyone else. I hate that I can’t just move on. It is like I get right to the edge but for some reason I just cant take the leap of faith. I want to be over it really I do and for the most part I am but there is something I just can’t shake about it. Maybe it’s because it was a crush and nothing ever came of it, but I have had loads of unsuccessful crushes and none of them have been like this. It doesn’t help that we are quite good friends and so I haven’t had a break from him. It is so wrong I just want it to be over. It also doesn’t help that I am surrounded by people who are happily in relationships and I haven’t even had one. Am I doomed to be the third wheel forever?

But most of all I hate that I hate myself. No one should feel this way about themselves ever. I want to say to anyone of you beautiful people who reads this blog firstly a massive thank you for not thinking I am a total loser and secondly if you ever need support then you know where I am and I am always hear for you.

I love you all very much

P.s I appoligise if any of this has offended any of you but it is just the way I feel (and there goes social conditioning making me feel like I have to appologise for the way I feel about something for fear that someone else might not agree, you know what I am not sorry!! Suck it up, this is what I think and I am not afraid to say it!)

Playlist

Goodness me two blog posts on the same day, are you feeling alright! I hear you cry, fear not I am quite well. I just thought I might publish a playlist, well just because really. Enjoy!!

  1. Didn’t know you – Karmin
  2. Demons – James Morrison
  3. Confident – Demi Lovato
  4. Run Away With Me – Carly Rae Jepsen
  5. Fight Song – Rachel Platten
  6. Stitches – Shawn Mendes
  7. Invincible – Kelly Clarkson
  8. Say you love me – Jessie Ware
  9. If you love someone – The Veronicas
  10. Masterpiece – Jessie J
  11. Grand Piano – Nicki Minaj
  12. Fire – Gavin DeGraw
  13. Say you like me – We The Kings
  14. Appreciated – Rixton
  15. Salute – Little Mix
  16. Superheroes – The Script
  17. Firework – Katy Perry
  18. It was always you – Maroon 5
  19. Battle Scars – Lupe Fiasco, Guy Sebastian
  20. Brave – Sara Bareilles

P.S I think that peoples music tastes say a lot about them so try not to judge me to hard.

To try or not try

Hello you beautiful people who read my blog. I firstly want to let you all know that I think you are all wonderful and beautiful. Aww shucks you say!! It’s true and I never want you to accept any less from anyone.

Now that that is out of the way I want to get down to the real crux of this post, whether or not to try. Now as with many of my posts this is not about whether to try at exams or to try an get your goals. I personally feel that you should always try for the things that you want and never give up no matter what people say. For example I have never quit striving for my dream and now all my hard work is starting to pay off and I am within touching distance of achieving it.

I mean whether to try attracting someone. I am I have to admit tired of being lonely (notice how I said lonely because sometimes everyone needs time alone). I have however decided that I am giving up trying so hard for a bit. I did try a little (probably not as much as I could have) for a while, but it was so tiring. The main problem is that I was trying and seeing no pay off, lets just say that it made it hard to see any pay off ever. So I have decided to quit trying for a while, I mean plenty of other people don’t bother trying and they have people falling at their feet.

The truth is that I have always put my career aspirations and work way before finding someone. Right or wrong, at the end of the day if I have nothing to fall back on then being in a happy relationship will mean nothing.

There are a number of reasons that I can think of (but won’t list, sorry) that means I have been unsuccessful in finding someone else to share life experiences with. The only problem with this is that then some days (like yesterday) I really feel the weight of loneliness.

I am not alone, I have family and friends but I want to know what it like for someone to love me as much as the love I put out into the world. It’s sad really here I am blogging about it once again and all of you must be thinking will she just shut up already. But honestly I want to hear from you about your experiences and how you over came them or how you haven’t?

I want people to share, not enough people talk honestly about it but why not. Everyone can help each other and why not now. It’s time to share.