Loneliness

Its a funny thing really.

Most of the time your totally cool with it and then bam!! your not cool any more.

It’s a funny feeling when it does hit you, it’s like someone is gripping you really hard. Like they are squeezing you so tight that it hurts and there is nothing you can do about it. Then there is the feeling that you get in your chest, it’s like someone has wrenched open your rib cage and then reached in and is now constricting your heart so tight that all the blood has been forced out around your body.

This all happens out of the blue, no warning and then you begin the spiral. The spiral only makes the constriction worse because then you convince yourself that this loneliness will never end and that only serves to make it worse. Once you have begun this spiral there is no escape until it passes.

Most of the time I am fine on my own but then sometimes this hits me. There is no obvious trigger, it can be something as simple as a song where it might last seconds, to a memory where it might last hours. But when it does come it is the worst feeling and all I want to do is cry and scream out for it to stop because I can tell you that it’s not enjoyable.

Departure

Yesterday morning I put on a suit and told myself that I would not cry. Who knew it would be so difficult to keep this promise.

Departure is so much more than leaving some where, so much more than simply shutting a door.

We leave buildings and rooms everyday, we tell people that we will see them again tomorrow. Departure is in everyday.

But the departure I’m talking about is greater than the everyday kind.

I’m talking about the one where you leave and might not come back or when you move on from a place forever.

That sort of departure is so much more difficult than the everyday kind. It’s the one that rips your heart out and tears it up before your eyes. It can make or break relationships, and shape the person you become.

It forces you to do crazy things like tell people you hate them but actually you love them or forces you to smile when all you want to do is break down and cry.

These sorts of departures make us cry when we listern to sad music. They haunt us in our bleakest moments.

There are so many faactors which contribute to the total melt down in personnal dignity.

Firstly, it’s the fear of the future. Any one who claims to enjoy change is probably lieing. The fear of the unknown may be a little exilerating, but at the same tinme utterly terrifying.

It’s like the first time you jump in the deep end of the swimming pool. You are so afraid that you might not make it back up for air or that your feet will never touch the bottom. However you know that if you don’t jump you never will.

Secondly, it’s severing ties. When we leave we have to weaken bonds with friends. They are not cut off, it’s just that we know we will never be as good friends as we are right now.

There’s is so much that you miss out on as your friends grow and develop without you in their lives. Now I’m not saying that it happens to everyone but it does happen to a large majority.

Thirdly, It’s the fear of forgetting. We always promise never to forget but occassionally we do. It is probably one of the sadest parts of leaving, the inability to box up all those great moments shared with others, so that they can be viewed later.

So as I put on my suit yesterday I knew I would cry and if not then, maybe now or maybe later.

And I leave you with this thought:

Making a difference doesn’t have to be something big it can be something small, because after all one can fit many more small things into the space of a big one.